[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.