“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.