If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
😍😂🥰😂😍
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?