I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I have a black belt in leather
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My boss called in sick of me
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?