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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Swedish for common sense.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle