*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Expect the unexporcupine.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Is your wife single?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I need better friends
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.