[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Knock Knock
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.