[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(