My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Dietest Coke
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”