I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
buys donuts instead
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.