I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
You Might Also Like
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
#Caturday
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.