You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
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Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
fair
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.