I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
the three branches of government
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber