Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.