Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
You Might Also Like
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again