Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].