“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My dress code is business-casualty.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.