Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
LMAO.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Oh yeah that’s it
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5