Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
guilty
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts