Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪