Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
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GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.