My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Tremendous stuff
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)