airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time