Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*