When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.