I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Monday
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.