A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait