Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
You Might Also Like
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
…..pretty much.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags