Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
it was love at first sight
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger