This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*skinny dips into black hole
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.