My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”