Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
You Might Also Like
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.