Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
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If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,