The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.