Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
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Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years