What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
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I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest