Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
(Gaming support cat.)
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.