By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
584.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I love you…
…r dog.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship