Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
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My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this