Put the is in disheveled
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…