i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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Simple
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.