If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.