Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
finally
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey