(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it