How to wake up a Beagle
You Might Also Like
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food