My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue