Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
How all things should be taught/explained.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Bond. Trauma bond.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The Struggle
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.