i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel