The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.