i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
🤯🤯🤯
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?